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A DOMESTIC AFFAIR.. I 






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Entered according to a A. 

In tire Clerk's Omcc of the Unl,e<j\ f^o^^\- 

the District of Michigan, this ST.ij ) ^^^^-"^ 

For Sale at tlic American Vine ^iit 



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A DOMESTIC AFFAIR. 






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TIME, OCTOBER, 18- 



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DRAMATIS PERSONtE 



SCENE — MY OWN KITCHEN. 

Characters — My Self, 
My Wife, 

Four boys — eldest 10 years, youngest 2. 
lo — a Pointer Dog. 
Fido — a Cocker Spaniel. 
Ellen — the cook. 
The Cat, &c., &c., &c. 



Detroit, December 25, 1847. 

To MY FRIEND Edward D. Ellis, 

Editor of the American Vineyard : 

Some years ago I had a friend, who was a gentleman sports- 
man. He was so ardent in the gratification of his passion 
for the sports of the " Flood and Field,^' that he dissipated a 
large fortune in the pursuit ; and, when it was all gone, and 
he had nothing left except a wife and several very fine chil- 
dren, he did, (what many a fine, generous hearted fellow had 
done before,) betake himself to the bottle. 

I used my best exertions to save my early friend and com- 
panion from a premature grave ; but, his habits had become 
uncontrollable, and my friend died, leaving a widow still 
young, though I must say, not a bereaved one, and five chil- 
dren, penniless. After the funeral was over, the widow, ad- 
dressing herself at once to the discharge of her duties, was 
rummaging over some useless sportsman's lumber, in a small 
garret, and there she found the enclosed doggerel verses, and 
presented me with a copy, in her own delicate handwriting. 
She showed an unaccountable enthusiasm for the original, — 
possibly because it was in the handwriting of her late hus- 
band. 

If I mistake not its spirit, there is some merit in the pro- 
duction ; and I authorize and request you to print, and pub- 
lish, and sell it, in any manner you may think proper ; and 
should you be so lortunate as to realize any money, over and 



above the expenses of printing, &c., and will trust me as 
your almoner, I will faithfully hand the surplus proceeds over 
to my friend's widow ; in the hope of cheering her heart, and 
aiding her efforts to feed, clothe and educate her helpless off- 
spring ; — and, as she is a perfect lady, I shall conceal her 
name from you, and leave her alone, quietly to discharge 
those duties which she performs so well. 

Respectfully, Thine, 

WILLIAM SMITH. 



A DOMESTIC AFFAIR. 



Dulce est desipere in loco. 

Hor. Carm. XII, Lib. IV, 1. XXVIII. 



It is delicious to play the fool occasionally. 

Anon. 



Juny and Ned, off to your beds — 

lo, and Fido — down ! 
You're all tir'd out, young sleepy heads — 

Your eyes are glassy — brown— ^ 
It's half past eight o'clock, you see 

The long hand pointing down — 
You've stufPd, and stufPd — you boys, you dogs, 

As if ye wore a crown ; 
So, wipe your lips, and off to bed, 

There's nothing else to do — 
Don't lick your chops and wag your tails, 

And point at game birds' bones ; 
Your loaded stomachs could'nt hold 

The very smallest ones. 

Wife I there's the cat — she's got a cock. 

Half way behind the stairs ; 
And looks six ways, with her two eyes, 

To manage her affairs. 



6 

Scat ! scat ! you purring, growling thief I 

Albert ! go, get that bird — 
Puss ought to learn to catch her game, 

And not destroy her own fair fame. 

By stealing ^^ yours and mine.^' 
There's Willy, too, he's got a bird 

In either fist — do see ! 
And sings and dances on the hearth, 

As merry as a bee. 

Ju! — Ned! — goodnight: Pa, Ma, goodnight 

Boys, all be up at dawn — 
And if the weather prove all right, 

We'll scamper out of town. 
Pa, where'll we go! Ju, I don't know, 

Ma wants to see Love-lane ; 
I lost her whip there t'other day. 

She says I'm much to blame. 
Ned says, we'll go to Canada, 

And Albert, to Belle Isle ; 
Take off to bed your sleepy head. 

We'll settle that to-morrow ; 
*'Yfy"* and I don't borrow much. 

And never borrow sorrow. 

Ellen! those birds must all be pluck'd. 
And dress'd, and pack'd in ice ; 

Don't open either snipe or cock. 
They will not eat so nice. 

And, Ellen, mark now what is said — 
Spare toes, legs, neck, head, bill ; 
Tranklin's system of orthograpliy. 



Strip, but don't mutilate the dead, — 

Shew forth their beauty still ; 
You know 'tis then ^^ adorn' d the most,'* 

The poet so doth tell — 
Feathers were made for breasts, nests, flight — 

But not for cooks to roast — 

But if you draw one drop of blood, 

Or dislocate one bone. 
How can you answer to your God ? 

How can you then atone ? 
Not all the rain of Noah's flood — 

The soap in all the world — 
Can e'er wash out that guilty blood. 

Were both upon it hurl'd. 
Ellen ! you are no Robespierre, — 

You have no King — no Queen — 
Your kitchen is not France, my dear, 

With her damn'd Guillotine ! 
No civil, nor uncivil war, 

Is raging round our shores, 
Nor Jacobin, nor Mountaineer, 

Are any names of ours; — 

And if they were, in mercy spare, 

Toes, legs, necks, bills, unshorn — 
This empire. Ell, is all your own, 

Maintain your pow'r — sustain your throne, 
Though subjects, queens, kings — rascals all, 

Should by your kitchen ^'Razor" fall. 
And half the world should mourn. 

What's that to me ! These birds once lay, 



8 

To lo's graceful point ; 

And his fine nose inhaPd the ray, 
That stifTen'd every joint ; 

Distending muscle — cording bone, 
As if his frame were turn'd to stone — 

And when these birds, poor things, up fleWy 
Dissolving lo's charm — 

And Fido, with his nut-brown eye, 
Paid homage to them in the sky, 

And worshipp'd in the underwood. 
While lo to his duties stood, — 

The sportsman's lightning struck them through. 

And blasted them with thunder too — 
They never dream'd of harm — 

And — they are dreaming still you know, 
They don't know they are dead ; — 

And, dream they shall — Ellen, I vow I 
You shan't cut off one head — 

And then they go — **/or weal or woe'* — 
Wings whistling — wheeling — waltzing too. 

With most inimitable grace — 
Just as they flew to-day ; — 

Birds I ye shall find a resting place, 
Fromlo — faraway — 

" Yfy!" I'm tir'd — Hus ! so am I, 

Please bolt the kitchen door — 
That dev'lish cat is lurking round^^ 

Just as she did before, 
With side long glances on her prey, 



9 

To try her chance once more ; — 
Slam ! there — I think the birds are safe, — 

In just two minutes and a half, 
I shall begin to snore. 

Boys — Dogs — go slumber in your beds, 
With twofold blessings on your heads ; 
For God created Dogs and Boys, 
To crown their heads with double joys — 
And frolics are your vested rights — 
And autumn days bring autumn nights, 
When you will witness glorious sights — 
And now, to-night you'll see some scenes, 
Exhibited in midnight dreams, 
Fresh, painted, glowing, warm again, 
Fields, forests, fountains, brambles, glen — 
Your pulses throb — each bosom heaves, 
At scamp'ring dogs o'er rustling leaves — 
While soft bright clouds float gently on, 
To their own home—^the horizon. 

The birds — the leaves — the thistledown. 
Will fly again, whirl, tumble down ; 
While each dog's feet to his own whine, 
Beats the mock frolic into time — 
Wer't not for dreams — boys, dogs, you see, 
Your sleep ** death* s counterfeit* would be. 
*Tis no such thing — for motions — breath. 
Are not the images of death — 
Sweet ^^Swanof AvonP* was one note 
False, pour'd forth from thy heavenly throat? 
But, many others warbled thence. 



10 

As full of melody as sense — 

To be re-echoed ages hence — 

Yea — while that sun which shone to-day, 

Shall print the mental retina, 

With all earth's glorious imagery, 

In God's own Solar Gallery. 

Imprudent Bird I — thy song half sung, 
Was heard the heavenly hosts among. 
Who sent their Angels — swift of wing, 
To bring thee home — to hear thee sing. 



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LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 





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